It is amazing how very quickly things can change and how just when you think its all together and you know where you're heading, life's bowling ball will make a strike in your life....
Flashback. 6years ago I was preparing for my very first marathon--I was in the best shape of my life. I Had a family not without problems-but we loved each other. The kids were doing well in college and last year of high school. My marriage was not perfect, but we had just passed the 25 year mark and I intended to grow old with this man. Or so I thought…
Within the year, my marriage fell apart, I ended up being the quintessential turning 50 and being single again. So many things in my life or up in the air at that time. Would I be able to support myself and the girls? Would I be able to keep a good co parenting relationship with my ex? How the heck was I going to be able to pay all my bills only working part time?
Through all of this the Lord has blessed me greatly. It took me three years, but I dug myself out of the financial hole from the divorce. We sold the house and I moved into a darling townhome. The co parenting thing did not work out well and my ex and I no longer speak. I am the only parent that is present in my children’s lives. This more than anything has caused me pain for both myself and my girls.
I felt like the phoenix rising from the ashes as I left behind the home we had shared for 20 years and moved on into what I thought would be a life full of adventure and romance. One of the things I went by the wayside as I dug myself out of my financial hole was time for exercise.
As I begin to emerge from the fog that was my “digging out” I begin to take time for myself again. I started training- getting back into physical shape. I felt so strong that I entered into another half marathon about 18 months ago. My first In about two years. I felt like I was finally getting my life back as I trained and as I got closer to the race day I felt invincible. It felt so good to feel like I was back on track and I knew God had a plan for love and romance for me again. And I welcomed that.
Race day started-I felt so strong as I walked my way through the beautiful course is in Vancouver. And marveled at how good I felt, and how my body just seem to slip back into those old rhythms. Then I felt a little hitch in my knee and within 100 steps I couldn’t walk or bear weight. I ended up having to be driven off the course and I could not finish the race for the first time ever in my life. The devastation I felt at that time was so deep. It was several weeks before the swelling went down and it was several months before I could actually put my entire weight on my leg again.
As we later found out, my days of fast walking are probably over as I have Grade 4 arthritis in both my knees. I questioned God. I was feeling like I just started taking my life back. Why did this happen? Just as I was starting back on my feet.( No pun attended) After some joint injections and some brilliant physical therapy, I started to slowly rebound on the way back. Then in January, I started feeling really bad physically and at that time I really concerned whether or not I was going to even be able to work full-time and how that would impact my family, responsibilities and my lifestyle. I began to seriously question God as this was not what I had planned. I got mad with God and more depressed and I put on weight as I tried to figure out what the heck he was trying show me taking me through all of this.
I have climbed slowly step by step out of this funk with Gods help,the love of my family and amazing support from my girls. I have had unflappable support and love from my very dear friend Denise and those who are close to me I’ve known how I’ve struggled in the last year. So it is with great humility and trepidation that I signed up for a 10K this fall.
I’ve been slowly training after a foot surgery getting stronger and stronger. What a difference 18 months makes. I was going to be happy if I could finish this race with a 20 minute time average. Five years ago I did that in my sleep. I talked Becca into doing this with me-she would be much faster, but it was so nice to have someone with me.
As I stood there waiting for the race to start, I was NERVOUS!!!! I had flashbacks to the race I hurt myself in. I watched Becca and other jogger head off and I felt the familiar hum of excitement racing into my body. I started out walking at a very controlled pace--I was shooting for around a 20-min mile. It took everything within my not to shoot outta the gate and write checks my body couldn't cash. About mile 2 I felt my body settle in and say thank you to me for doing this. I had a couple knee catches and my heart fluttered a bit, but it all worked out. I hit mile 4 and I decided it was time to speed up and push myself just a little, and then a little sparkle of hope hit the back of my soul as I started to really believe I could actually finish this. As I was walking, I started to realized how much my physical problems had affected my joy and optimism in my life. My legs were tired, but the last mile and a half I decided I could push it even more-and I gave it everything my outta shape, overweight body could give. As I spotted the finish line I gave it a little more and then I saw my baby girl waiting there for me as I came over the finish line and I just can't begin to tell you how amazing I felt. I dissolved into tears so proud of giving it all I had. I cried for the body I lost, I cried for the "me" I lost and had found. I cried because me feet frickin hurt--but I felt amazing!!!
As I was walking that race, I had one thought that kept going thru my head-----baby you continue to be a phoenix!!!! You have your legs, you have a family that loves and supports you. Your God is real and shows you that every single day of your life-even when you don't want Him too----- And your pigtails are your wings. Some of my favorite lines from one of my favorite movie, The Count of Monte Cristo(2002) kept running thru my brain:
Life is a storm, my young friend. You will bask in the sunlight one moment, be shattered on the rocks the next. What makes you a man is what you do when that storm comes. You must look into that storm and shout as you did in Rome. Do your worst, for I will do mine!Then the fates will know you as we know you: as the Pigtailed Phoenix (my editing)
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