Rabbit, rabbit..........what would have been...and 30 years

Rabbit, Rabbit, Piggy, Piggy.........this is a pretty raw one..

The funny thing about grief is that it sneaks up on you in ways you never imagined.  I woke up that beautiful  Saturday morning (the first of September)-looked at the calendar and said internally the phrase "rabbit rabbit, piggy piggy." The techtonic plates in my head shifted and threw me off balance so fast... That was the family phrase that my ex always said to us on the first day of the month. He'd say rabbit, rabbit and the rest of us would try to be the first to answer piggy, piggy. Usually it was my oldest that got it first. And I have been doing the feelings "whiplash" ever since.
I am feel so blessed and fortunate with the way my life is now. I really have tried to focus on the good things in my life and "repurpose"the sad/mad feelings I have when I  look back at what things were both the good and the bad. I look now with the rose colored glasses off(for the most part) so it feels somewhat counter-productive to remember the good things about that time, as I just get me sad. It also feels ungrateful and icky and dishonoring the life I have now. I honestly think, that while it takes longer, and is very painful sometimes, you heal more completely. And if I've learned anything about feelings, they certainly don't go away if you ignore them, so I am giving them their due.  I don't really want sympathy, I just think it can be helpful for those going thru simililar thoughts and feelings  to realize this is normal and you are not crazy or an idiot and not "getting over it"(these are all things I have said to myself).It has also helped me to give voice to those feelings.

I have really mourned the loss of some pretty obscure things. I miss the way my family was-I miss the stupid phrases we said, the jokes we played-the way i felt as I listened to my ex and the girls belly laugh for no real reason at all. We laugh now, but it's different.
I miss the way if I'd mention something, my ex would surf the web looking for information about it-and give me way more than I ever wanted to know about it. I have a hard time and don't like that a family get together doesnt feel totally complete without him there.  Honestly, he wasn't my best friend, but he was my stability and  I had experienced the majority of my life with him, so he was my historian in my life after we met. We were there for many life changing events in our kids and each other's lives, that I don't see us being able to talk about again. I miss talking about the girls and what/who they are. I REALLY mourn that. I miss my friendship with him. I grieve that our post marriage friendship and co-parenting relationship won't be what it could have been.

Today it would have been our 30th anniversary and I have thought alot about the 2 people we were that day--very bittersweet. I was so hopeful about the future(and I still am!!!)  I grieve the loss of the surity I had in him and the meaning of our life together. I miss the girl that believed that love could conquer all. I hate that now I question every thing he ever said and did.

I have felt the internal pressure that I havent been "moving on" as fast as I should. That if I were dealing with the divorce in a healthy and productive way, I wouldn't really be having these feelings after this amount of time. It also has been in very stark contrast to the very real good thingsI have in my life at the moment. I feel so blessed by God in my life and with my friends and family. I have such a wonderful life and I am so greatful everyday for who God is leading me into being thru this all. I feel proud of how I have handled this situation and that by doing some very hard work, I am turning into a vibrant, woman of God, who see herself in a whole different light.

So after some really good therapy, more tears than I care to admit-some serious soul searching confabs with God, I have come to a couple of conclusions--I hope this helps those who have lost something/someone you valued:

 YOU ARE NOT CRAZY-you are a living, breathing person who is grieving. And it is crazy how fast it will sneak up on you even if you know about it. Learn to recognize it, deal with it, talk to a trusted friend about it---trust me, it does help--I have gone thru 2 grief classes and it still surprises me when it crops up.

Be encourgaged that you have the ability to feel. When you hurt, you can also love and care and rejoice in the fact you are not dead-physically, mentally and spiritually. All these emotions can work together(the bad and the good) to make you a more authentic version of who you are meant to become.

Take good physical and emotional care of yourself--you need strength to survive this..rest..renew...eat that piece of cake if you need to. Go for a walk--look at a mountain(my favorite)(okay maybe the cake is still my favorite)

Get yourself a good support system---turns out you will probably grieve at times the rest of your life about things-this one, or others. Get help, lean on others. It does get easier, and less frequent. But honestly getting help and being able to share with others is one of the only ways I've found that works.

Love yourself, honor the feelings you have......if you need someone to talk to---find someone, call me. You are alive in this moment for a reason and a purpose.You are loved!!! and you are not crazy..I may be---but its in a good way and its in the way I choose. I embrace that I can feel and I am not bitter by sadness and loss. You are capable of this as well.

Carpe Diem

Tub notes. Sam Elliott is not in this post but will be someday

So I sit here in my tub having one of the last baths  I'll have in this house my family shared for almost 20 years, and while this tub has been almost a sacred place of renewal, place to cry when I didn't want anyone else to see, place to soothe my sore muscles and bruised emotions when nothing or no one else could-I I find it kind of bittersweet now. My new place won't have a tub at least for a long time, And the prospect of life without a deep soaker tub is frankly a little disheartening. And now  this tub that is felt like home for me and for so many years is kind of feeling less and less that way. Kind a like the shell that is this house now that the people in the things I love are pretty much out of it. My life looks so different now. it is so different than I ever imagined it being. I never thought I would leave this house unless I moved to Idaho where my second heart is. Turns out it's just a shell. It's just a wall and ceiling that sometimes leaks. Its been lived in, loved in, devastated in, just kind of laid there in, picking yourself up, dusting yourself off, going on with life in . And I will so miss this house and this tub-but I'm so glad to be leaving this house and this tub. My life now is my family with my two girls ,a crazy cat ,my wonderful family and friends ,and what or whoever life happens to throw at me. And I can't wait for what's ahead. I'll probably cry the last time I have that bath which is coming very soon. I miss the family that was in this house, But the family that's risen from the ashes is strong, beautiful and I'm so proud of it! I thought I would have the hardest time leaving and it has not been without it several bunches of tears and it's not been without it stresses-no house sale goes without hiccups and wanting to pull your hair out. But I am really ready to shut the door on the part of the life that was in this house and move on to the new part. I really like who the woman is who used to live in this house. She is fine, fun, funny, emotional, caring,vulnerable, witty, has cellulite, loves her daughters fiercely, and loves herself ---FINALLY!!

Middle of the night musings-a life well lived and all

So yesterday I went to the memorial service of a man I never met, but was a father to someone I really care about and respect both as a person and a christian. By every account he was a wonderful, God-fearing man who seem to exemplify God's love in his day to day live even though his early life/childhood was far from easy or loving. He was spoken of as a man who, most of all, loved his God, loved his wife and family with ferocity and lived out his christian values with no thought of himself. I have to admit it spawned a little jealousy in me as I am still(and seemingly forever) dealing with the hurt and pain of my own divorce and broken family. Hearing about someone who overcame his adversities and learned a better way made me really angry at my ex-husband who struggled with his issues and the results were not good in our family's case. I have lived with my and my daughters pain and sadness staring me in my face for 2 1/2 years-and that forgiveness I have honestly struggled with  daily and will for some time I suspect. 

In the middle of the night, I was listing in my head(as often happens to those who have gone thru it) the various way my girls and I were wronged-and getting more and more incensed as the injustices mounted up in my head. I grabbed my pen and boldly scratched out the following words in my notebook with very angry penmanship----
I GAVE UP EVERYTHING FOR YOU-AND YOU NEVER SAW PAST YOURSELF!!!

Seeing that on the paper I had a very big and bright light bulb moment!!! It hit me--how often has God been justified in saying this of me? I have nothing to be proud of. Time and time again I have done the things I wanted to: Not been a help to someone. Not given of myself because I am too scared to, or hurting. Too afraid to do/say the wrong thing. I am too tired, or sadly I plain just didn't notice or care. 

When Jesus was here on earth, He was tired, He was alone without understanding. There were times He literally held the weight of the world on His shoulders. He chose to die and give up Heaven and everything for me. He had no promise when He died He would rise again. Yet He died for all of us. I am awed by His mercy and grace. That phrase I scrawled in anger and frustration went up on my mirror tonight(yes by Sam Elliott-it wouldn't be my blog if I didn't add that). That phrase to me now is a symbol of God's love and forgiveness, sacrifice and mercy to me. I want to be a better person----for Jesus sake.....