There are few more precious times in your life where you truly notice the small moments. I have recently just started coming out of a rough couple of months in my life. It hasn't really been one thing in particular-more like a cornucopia of bleh.
Historically, I typically have had a hard time in November and December, and it got worse after my marriage went south and we had that first holiday season as a fragmented family. It was so tough figuring out what our family would look like and there was so much loss that year. That was a holiday season I don't choose to repeat.
What I do remember about that time is that my family and my ex's actually rallied around us-it saddens me to the core to realize my ex and I failed in making this transition better for my family. That being said--the "family" I have now is one that I feel blessed to have. What I have learned is that its important to grasp onto those precious simple moments that illustrate the blessings we are given in life.
We have had a year of transitions in our family. My oldest and her partner, had a rough couple of months and came to live with me for a bit. They recently found a gem of an apartment, have since adopted a cat, and are well on their way to making a good life together. To say that I am proud of her and the life she is building would be an understatement at best.
My youngest graduated college and got a job at a wonderful company-and is working for a year or so before she goes to graduate school---and it is the back of her head that gave me such joy the other morning and helped me get one step closer to getting out of the blehs I have been in.
2 weeks ago my "baby" had parked in the garage and had to leave before me-so I had to move my car out of the driveway so she could head to work.
That morning, as I sat in the alleyway looking at the back of her head as she headed to her adult job, in her first car she was paying for by going to said job, I was filled with such a sense of love and gratitude for my children. There is something so beautiful about being allowed to witness your child becoming a productive member of society.
I thought about that little bald baby-head and how she had a special spot sniffed it and the smell was so wonderful it made up for all the other smells that somehow come out of babies. (each of the girls had a different spot). I thought of the look on her big-sister's face the day she met her. I thought of the sensitive caring friend I have seen her be--and the fun I have being able to watch her grow into her the marvelous women skin that it hers. I love the friends she and her sister have become to each other.
Lately I have felt alot of pressure being the single, only parent in their lives. They don't have a relationship with their dad at the moment, and even though they are adults, I have felt a sense of tremendous responsibility that comes with divorce and having no one to help with the responsibilities that come up with having children, even as adults. I still look to my parents for advice and unconditional love---and I have been blessed by them. But when you are the only one, it changes things.
My children are not perfect and at times make me crazy. And yet I marvel at how both my girls have been a support to their momma at times when that's not their job to be doing. I am amazed at how much smarter they seem than I was at that age.
At that alleyway moment, as I looked at the backside of my baby girls head, I was moved to tears and felt such profound gratitude for being allowed to raise these girls into adulthood.
At that time I made a little baby step outta my funk.
I have come to realize that life isn't just about the funk, its how you climb out of it. And honestly, there will never be a big light bulb moment when you say---"I've figured it out-I'm all better." It just doesn't seem to work that way--at least for me.
My funk hasn't totally lifted and the beauty of watching who my children have become has honestly been tempered with the fact that I can't share these things with my ex anymore. He's the one person that would understand and I miss that. I don't think that will ever get easier--
But what I am finding is that as I change my attitude and take joy in the simple, but most profound moments in life, you can find your way out of the funks in your life.
My life is no where near where I thought it would be even 5 years ago-and I am certainly not the Pollyana I was, but the joy I have gained thru the knowledge of what is important to me and in my life is a gift. I am learning to lean on God more and trust in His plan for my life--this is going to be the struggle of my life as I am super stubborn and want things the way I want them....my will is strong, but His is stronger----THANK THE LORD.
In the meantime, I smile as I think of the "sniff-spots" of my girls. My sweet babies and children they were and the amazing adults I see them becoming.I will remember the daily "backside blessings" and the good in my life.
You have those "backside blessings" in your life as well----look at them, thrive on them---share them with your friends...it will change your perspective. I would love to hear them as well.......
