Rabbit, Rabbit, Piggy, Piggy.........this is a pretty raw one..
The funny thing about grief is that it sneaks up on you in ways you never imagined. I woke up that beautiful Saturday morning (the first of September)-looked at the calendar and said internally the phrase "rabbit rabbit, piggy piggy." The techtonic plates in my head shifted and threw me off balance so fast... That was the family phrase that my ex always said to us on the first day of the month. He'd say rabbit, rabbit and the rest of us would try to be the first to answer piggy, piggy. Usually it was my oldest that got it first. And I have been doing the feelings "whiplash" ever since.
I am feel so blessed and fortunate with the way my life is now. I really have tried to focus on the good things in my life and "repurpose"the sad/mad feelings I have when I look back at what things were both the good and the bad. I look now with the rose colored glasses off(for the most part) so it feels somewhat counter-productive to remember the good things about that time, as I just get me sad. It also feels ungrateful and icky and dishonoring the life I have now. I honestly think, that while it takes longer, and is very painful sometimes, you heal more completely. And if I've learned anything about feelings, they certainly don't go away if you ignore them, so I am giving them their due. I don't really want sympathy, I just think it can be helpful for those going thru simililar thoughts and feelings to realize this is normal and you are not crazy or an idiot and not "getting over it"(these are all things I have said to myself).It has also helped me to give voice to those feelings.
I have really mourned the loss of some pretty obscure things. I miss the way my family was-I miss the stupid phrases we said, the jokes we played-the way i felt as I listened to my ex and the girls belly laugh for no real reason at all. We laugh now, but it's different.
I miss the way if I'd mention something, my ex would surf the web looking for information about it-and give me way more than I ever wanted to know about it. I have a hard time and don't like that a family get together doesnt feel totally complete without him there. Honestly, he wasn't my best friend, but he was my stability and I had experienced the majority of my life with him, so he was my historian in my life after we met. We were there for many life changing events in our kids and each other's lives, that I don't see us being able to talk about again. I miss talking about the girls and what/who they are. I REALLY mourn that. I miss my friendship with him. I grieve that our post marriage friendship and co-parenting relationship won't be what it could have been.
Today it would have been our 30th anniversary and I have thought alot about the 2 people we were that day--very bittersweet. I was so hopeful about the future(and I still am!!!) I grieve the loss of the surity I had in him and the meaning of our life together. I miss the girl that believed that love could conquer all. I hate that now I question every thing he ever said and did.
I have felt the internal pressure that I havent been "moving on" as fast as I should. That if I were dealing with the divorce in a healthy and productive way, I wouldn't really be having these feelings after this amount of time. It also has been in very stark contrast to the very real good thingsI have in my life at the moment. I feel so blessed by God in my life and with my friends and family. I have such a wonderful life and I am so greatful everyday for who God is leading me into being thru this all. I feel proud of how I have handled this situation and that by doing some very hard work, I am turning into a vibrant, woman of God, who see herself in a whole different light.
So after some really good therapy, more tears than I care to admit-some serious soul searching confabs with God, I have come to a couple of conclusions--I hope this helps those who have lost something/someone you valued:
YOU ARE NOT CRAZY-you are a living, breathing person who is grieving. And it is crazy how fast it will sneak up on you even if you know about it. Learn to recognize it, deal with it, talk to a trusted friend about it---trust me, it does help--I have gone thru 2 grief classes and it still surprises me when it crops up.
Be encourgaged that you have the ability to feel. When you hurt, you can also love and care and rejoice in the fact you are not dead-physically, mentally and spiritually. All these emotions can work together(the bad and the good) to make you a more authentic version of who you are meant to become.
Take good physical and emotional care of yourself--you need strength to survive this..rest..renew...eat that piece of cake if you need to. Go for a walk--look at a mountain(my favorite)(okay maybe the cake is still my favorite)
Get yourself a good support system---turns out you will probably grieve at times the rest of your life about things-this one, or others. Get help, lean on others. It does get easier, and less frequent. But honestly getting help and being able to share with others is one of the only ways I've found that works.
Love yourself, honor the feelings you have......if you need someone to talk to---find someone, call me. You are alive in this moment for a reason and a purpose.You are loved!!! and you are not crazy..I may be---but its in a good way and its in the way I choose. I embrace that I can feel and I am not bitter by sadness and loss. You are capable of this as well.
Carpe Diem
