Tub notes. Sam Elliott is not in this post but will be someday

So I sit here in my tub having one of the last baths  I'll have in this house my family shared for almost 20 years, and while this tub has been almost a sacred place of renewal, place to cry when I didn't want anyone else to see, place to soothe my sore muscles and bruised emotions when nothing or no one else could-I I find it kind of bittersweet now. My new place won't have a tub at least for a long time, And the prospect of life without a deep soaker tub is frankly a little disheartening. And now  this tub that is felt like home for me and for so many years is kind of feeling less and less that way. Kind a like the shell that is this house now that the people in the things I love are pretty much out of it. My life looks so different now. it is so different than I ever imagined it being. I never thought I would leave this house unless I moved to Idaho where my second heart is. Turns out it's just a shell. It's just a wall and ceiling that sometimes leaks. Its been lived in, loved in, devastated in, just kind of laid there in, picking yourself up, dusting yourself off, going on with life in . And I will so miss this house and this tub-but I'm so glad to be leaving this house and this tub. My life now is my family with my two girls ,a crazy cat ,my wonderful family and friends ,and what or whoever life happens to throw at me. And I can't wait for what's ahead. I'll probably cry the last time I have that bath which is coming very soon. I miss the family that was in this house, But the family that's risen from the ashes is strong, beautiful and I'm so proud of it! I thought I would have the hardest time leaving and it has not been without it several bunches of tears and it's not been without it stresses-no house sale goes without hiccups and wanting to pull your hair out. But I am really ready to shut the door on the part of the life that was in this house and move on to the new part. I really like who the woman is who used to live in this house. She is fine, fun, funny, emotional, caring,vulnerable, witty, has cellulite, loves her daughters fiercely, and loves herself ---FINALLY!!

Middle of the night musings-a life well lived and all

So yesterday I went to the memorial service of a man I never met, but was a father to someone I really care about and respect both as a person and a christian. By every account he was a wonderful, God-fearing man who seem to exemplify God's love in his day to day live even though his early life/childhood was far from easy or loving. He was spoken of as a man who, most of all, loved his God, loved his wife and family with ferocity and lived out his christian values with no thought of himself. I have to admit it spawned a little jealousy in me as I am still(and seemingly forever) dealing with the hurt and pain of my own divorce and broken family. Hearing about someone who overcame his adversities and learned a better way made me really angry at my ex-husband who struggled with his issues and the results were not good in our family's case. I have lived with my and my daughters pain and sadness staring me in my face for 2 1/2 years-and that forgiveness I have honestly struggled with  daily and will for some time I suspect. 

In the middle of the night, I was listing in my head(as often happens to those who have gone thru it) the various way my girls and I were wronged-and getting more and more incensed as the injustices mounted up in my head. I grabbed my pen and boldly scratched out the following words in my notebook with very angry penmanship----
I GAVE UP EVERYTHING FOR YOU-AND YOU NEVER SAW PAST YOURSELF!!!

Seeing that on the paper I had a very big and bright light bulb moment!!! It hit me--how often has God been justified in saying this of me? I have nothing to be proud of. Time and time again I have done the things I wanted to: Not been a help to someone. Not given of myself because I am too scared to, or hurting. Too afraid to do/say the wrong thing. I am too tired, or sadly I plain just didn't notice or care. 

When Jesus was here on earth, He was tired, He was alone without understanding. There were times He literally held the weight of the world on His shoulders. He chose to die and give up Heaven and everything for me. He had no promise when He died He would rise again. Yet He died for all of us. I am awed by His mercy and grace. That phrase I scrawled in anger and frustration went up on my mirror tonight(yes by Sam Elliott-it wouldn't be my blog if I didn't add that). That phrase to me now is a symbol of God's love and forgiveness, sacrifice and mercy to me. I want to be a better person----for Jesus sake.....